When I see a client who is stuck at a cross-road in life, it often has a connection with a relationship. Separation is hard enough but what about when it is sudden? The death of a partner must be one of the hardest life challenges to overcome – and when it is unexpected the shock can be overwhelming.
Divorce can be – in some cases – fairly straight forward, particularly when there are no children to consider, but emotionally there will always be the inevitable questions of what went wrong and who was to blame. These can linger for many years and crush a person emotionally, especially if the answers have been vague. Whilst an adult can put in place coping strategies, it is much harder for a child to come to terms with; feelings of abandonment, rejection and anger could remain with a child well into adult years. If nothing is clear, it is easy to adopt the notion that you were to blame whether this is the case or not.
For people with such feelings it can be very hard to trust – or indeed love – someone for a long time after a separation. Trust and love are emotions and values which have to come from within first; and without these it can impossible to share them with anyone else. The rub is, when someone is feeling emotionally bereft they need the trust and love of other people to make them feel better. The reality is, until a person can love and trust them self, sharing with someone else is almost impossible.
Before feeling love again, a person must go through a stage of acceptance: What has happened is in the past and can’t be changed. Acceptance is different to coming to terms with a situation, acceptance is more understanding what is happening in the here and now. Coming to terms with something is making peace – the first can work without the second, in fact you could accept a situation but never come to terms with it… Letting go is a good start; let the emotion out, but don’t let it consume you.
Time for yourself is crucially important – and this sounds odd when someone is single. Sitting at home watching TV with a stack of Jaffa Cakes may not be the quality time that is needed. Getting out of the house, a trip to the beach, walking in the hills or even going to the library distract from sorry minds. If you find yourself single in the home you once co-habited, the first job must be a trip to the DIY store. Different colour paint or new wallpaper goes partway to changing how you feel about the environment you are in.
Counselling can help you move forward
Communication is another skill which goes rusty after time. You need to get the stories out before you can begin to find love – discussing the break-up on a date is not cool! This is where counselling could help; talking in confidence allows you to explore your feelings and tidy up your mind. A counsellor is not going to judge you. Friends and family are great, but they’ll always have a comment or a solution to try and make you feel better – sometimes this will be helpful, although other times…
With children, route to acceptance will be a different path to that of an adult. Often, young children will verbalise what they believe you want to hear – a child wont say to mum that they feel better with dad, because they may fear being judged. Joint custody may sound like the perfect solution for everyone, but no sooner has the child settled back into a routine it changes with a flip to the other parent. Simply feeling at home – or identifying where home is can be difficult for a child – often, this appreciation is lost on the adults who are settling in to a new way of life. Get it wrong and children could be anxious, depressed and socially inhibited.
Learning to love yourself takes time. If you have spent many years in a toxic relationship you will have been made to feel worthless or like damaged goods. With regular toxic comments, you’ll have questioned yourself. Self doubt and a lack of confidence become normalised and before you realise, any positive strand to your personality is gone. This takes time to reverse and when new people show affection or positive regard it is easy to dismiss their comments and this can be a confusing time for everyone. When what is given is disregarded it can feel insulting, so in order to believe it you need to learn to love yourself.
A new relationship but on your terms
It will be a welcome relief when new love becomes apparent, but don’t stick around if it’s not right for you. Equally, if you are ready for a relationship – but on your terms, be confident in setting boundaries and make your intentions clear from the start – no one can the accuse you of misleading them.
Relationships can be wonderful and traumatic in equal measure and what is right for one person may not fit the bill for another. Love is not a one size fits all and loss or separation need not be a permanent position.
Duncan Ellison 