As spring develops, there are positive things happening ­— the warmth of sun is starting to be noticeable, seasonal flowers are pushing through and we are a month closer to returning to some sort of normality, however, mental health is far from being a sorted issue.

There is a high probability that you know someone who is suffering in silence ­— you may even live with them. Ask yourself, what are you doing to help that person make the best of the current situation? That person may just be you.

If you are unaware that someone is suffering with a mental health struggle, putting in place helpful support is a difficult proposition. Furthermore, how do you help someone who may not want any help or know that may need help? Being aware of the signs of mental health issues is a good start.

Dismissing a person’s mental health can be damaging, although you may not even be aware you are being dismissive. Comments such as ‘we all have bad days’ or ‘it’s not as bad as you think’ and ‘you’ll get over it’ are often unintentional remarks that can cause harm.

Helping someone who is struggling can be a fragile process and one that can leave the person reaching out feeling alienated. While the intention is positive, the catch is that for the person to take it in a positive way they must be aware there is an issue ­— and be prepared to deal with it.

There are warning signs to be aware of, helpful signposts that may provide insight into a person’s mental health. These include sleep and changes in food routines, mood changes, a reduction in functioning, heightened sensitivity, nervousness, apathy and exaggerated thoughts.

On their own, one or two of these behaviours are nothing to be worried about in the short term, but if you notice significant changes, it is worth considering professional help. If you have decided you need to makes changes for yourself, the important thing is to remain as positive as you can be.

Worrying about the things that make you worry only adds to the suffering. There are many good mental health services in the region beyond that of the GP. Depending on who you choose, the route ahead may focus on taking you back to identify the causes of your position, other routes may focus on coping in the here and now, different ways of thinking and action.

All will put you at the heart of the process and while you make think a counsellor gives advice and tells you what to do, nothing could be further from the truth ­— the action will come from your own self development. Do not be put off by this. Your counsellor will spend time getting to know you so they can help you to see and think through situations in a different and more positive way.

Just like with a physical issue, healing takes time. The counselling process does not happen overnight, so it is important to put in place boundaries. Telling yourself you are going to be happy everyday next week is a lovely notion, but if that does not happen you will feel like you have failed yourself.

Similarly, it is easy to look back at the week and pick out things that feel negative; but remember to give yourself credit for the positive factors. Managing your time, keeping in touch with friends and relatives, healthy eating and self-are are all encouraging actions ­— do not disregard them when reviewing yourself. Be encouraged by the changing of the clocks, the additional light in the day and the features spring offers.

Try not to look back at this year and write it off already. You may not think you have managed as well as you could have; but that does not matter. Change your frame of reference for the spring and think about what you can achieve.

Be aware of what can affect others and help them with positive action. Do not try and be someone’s counsellor… just make a cup of tea, encourage a conversation and listen to what is being said.

If you can relate to this blog and would like to chat to me, or would like to discuss counselling in Newark, call me on 07759 948001, or email me by clicking here.

For many, the last time children were at school was almost three months ago. The thought of going back will raise concerns for children and parents alike. However you are feeling, it’s okay to be nervous.

Let’s start with looking at this from a child’s perspective. It is unlikely that any child who spent the lock-down with a parent will have maintained a routine quite like the school time table. Getting back in to that routine could take a few weeks. There will be an element of skill-fade too, so facing tasks and tests could cause some anxiety. If this is the first time that a child has seen their friends since lock-down it could also be an emotional time – a lot has happened this year already.

A good start is to encourage your child to write down their thoughts and feelings – good and bad. This allows them to realise and organise their thoughts and emotions, whilst giving you an insight as to what they are thinking.

It is highly likely that the bed time routine will have been disrupted – and that is okay. The important task now, is to gradually reduce the time in which children go to bed, so that it doesn’t become a shock the night before school starts; 15 minutes earlier each night is a good start without any child feeling like they are being punished.

As a parent, you will have anxieties too. Having your children around you for such a long time and then, not having them there during the day will feel strange. Every parent will say how relieved they are that their children are returning to school, but there will be an element of loss for the first few days – the house will feel quiet and that could be strange at first.

Probably, the biggest concern from a parent’s perspective is how school is going to maintain social distancing. I would imagine that a lot of time and effort has been put in to planning how the logistics of children, timetable and school facilities are going to work. Whilst the majority of this is out of our hands as parents, we can still ensure our children maintain a clean and safe attitude. A good start is the school website, which by now, will be posting about how these issues will be managed.

Having a discussion with your child every day about their worries and emotions is helpful for them and you. Right here, right now, for them going back to school the expectations, worries and pressures will be one the hardest challenges of the year so far. Never dismiss what your child tells you; be understanding, talk through coping strategies and assure them that you are there for them what ever.

It has never been more important to understand your own stress and emotional limits. For those who are working from home, the boundary between work and personal space has been blurred. If your child can see you are having a bad day, it is likely to rub off on them too, so be mindful of how you interact with your own tasks. Whilst work is super important right now, you must not lose sight of the importance of assurance. Positively seeing off your child in the morning when they leave for school and, being there for them when the return must not be under estimated.

Whether you are a child or parent, the first day back at school will always be tense time; it’s okay to feel anxious, confused and lonely. In a short time you’ll both look back with a sense of achievement at how you over came one of the biggest challenges of the year so far.

When I see a client who is stuck at a cross-road in life, it often has a connection with a relationship. Separation is hard enough but what about when it is sudden? The death of a partner must be one of the hardest life challenges to overcome – and when it is unexpected the shock can be overwhelming.

Divorce can be – in some cases – fairly straight forward, particularly when there are no children to consider, but emotionally there will always be the inevitable questions of what went wrong and who was to blame. These can linger for many years and crush a person emotionally, especially if the answers have been vague. Whilst an adult can put in place coping strategies, it is much harder for a child to come to terms with; feelings of abandonment, rejection and anger could remain with a child well into adult years. If nothing is clear, it is easy to adopt the notion that you were to blame whether this is the case or not.

For people with such feelings it can be very hard to trust – or indeed love – someone for a long time after a separation. Trust and love are emotions and values which have to come from within first; and without these it can impossible to share them with anyone else. The rub is, when someone is feeling emotionally bereft they need the trust and love of other people to make them feel better. The reality is, until a person can love and trust them self, sharing with someone else is almost impossible.

Before feeling love again, a person must go through a stage of acceptance: What has happened is in the past and can’t be changed. Acceptance is different to coming to terms with a situation, acceptance is more understanding what is happening in the here and now. Coming to terms with something is making peace – the first can work without the second, in fact you could accept a situation but never come to terms with it… Letting go is a good start; let the emotion out, but don’t let it consume you.

Time for yourself is crucially important – and this sounds odd when someone is single. Sitting at home watching TV with a stack of Jaffa Cakes may not be the quality time that is needed. Getting out of the house, a trip to the beach, walking in the hills or even going to the library distract from sorry minds. If you find yourself single in the home you once co-habited, the first job must be a trip to the DIY store. Different colour paint or new wallpaper goes partway to changing how you feel about the environment you are in.
Counselling can help you move forward

Communication is another skill which goes rusty after time. You need to get the stories out before you can begin to find love – discussing the break-up on a date is not cool! This is where counselling could help; talking in confidence allows you to explore your feelings and tidy up your mind. A counsellor is not going to judge you. Friends and family are great, but they’ll always have a comment or a solution to try and make you feel better – sometimes this will be helpful, although other times…

With children, route to acceptance will be a different path to that of an adult. Often, young children will verbalise what they believe you want to hear – a child wont say to mum that they feel better with dad, because they may fear being judged. Joint custody may sound like the perfect solution for everyone, but no sooner has the child settled back into a routine it changes with a flip to the other parent. Simply feeling at home – or identifying where home is can be difficult for a child – often, this appreciation is lost on the adults who are settling in to a new way of life. Get it wrong and children could be anxious, depressed and socially inhibited.

Learning to love yourself takes time. If you have spent many years in a toxic relationship you will have been made to feel worthless or like damaged goods. With regular toxic comments, you’ll have questioned yourself. Self doubt and a lack of confidence become normalised and before you realise, any positive strand to your personality is gone. This takes time to reverse and when new people show affection or positive regard it is easy to dismiss their comments and this can be a confusing time for everyone. When what is given is disregarded it can feel insulting, so in order to believe it you need to learn to love yourself.
A new relationship but on your terms

It will be a welcome relief when new love becomes apparent, but don’t stick around if it’s not right for you. Equally, if you are ready for a relationship – but on your terms, be confident in setting boundaries and make your intentions clear from the start – no one can the accuse you of misleading them.

Relationships can be wonderful and traumatic in equal measure and what is right for one person may not fit the bill for another. Love is not a one size fits all and loss or separation need not be a permanent position.

Employee sickness is a huge concern for managers and company owners. Poorly staff will have an obvious impact on productivity and ultimately this will dent company finances – not only do you have to pay for an employee to be sick, but you also have to pay to cover the workload or take a loss on not satisfying client requirements.

This leads on to the question – as a business is it your responsibility to look after the welfare of your staff?

Most employers would agree that ensuring staff are fit and healthy is an important part of workplace human resources. There would never be doubt if a sickness presented physical traits, but what about mental and emotional illness, issues which can’t be seen?

Depression and work-related stress account for almost a third of employee sickness – and with one in four people suffering from a mental health issue, as an employer, this can be a serious concern.

A UK review has revealed that poor mental health costs businesses between £33bn and £42bn per year. Mental health problems – typically stress, anxiety and depression – account for 40% of commercial insurance claims. Despite these high numbers, HR managers still believe we are far from achieving parity of esteem between physical and mental health.

I think we can agree that it is not a company responsibility to resolve an employees personal problems, nor should it be a business issue to normalise everyday life stresses. The reality is, everyone suffers to some degree – simply a bad day at work can bring on stress and anxiety, but employees need to put in place coping strategies which work for them, as it does become a business issue when – potentially – a quarter of staff are not able to do their job satisfactorily because their mental health is not under control and productivity is suffering.

So when does a manager step in to ensure everything is okay with an employee? That’s a really sensitive and difficult question to consider, given that everyone will react differently to being ‘checked on’. Some employees, no doubt, will be relieved that someone at work has noticed – and taken an interest in their emotional well-being, other’s may see it as prying.

The loss of a someone close – a bereavement, or even the break up of a close relationship are situations when intervention may be best, not only for the employee involved, but also for their colleagues. The employee will most certainly require time off – and whilst it may sound harsh, this is probably best for everyone left at work; no one wants to be emotionally distracted or indeed used as a shoulder to cry on – that can be awkward at best. This is where discretion – and a good understanding of the affected employee comes into play. I knew a sound engineer on a large touring West End show, who just before the start of the performance had a call to say his mother had passed away. He switched off his phone, put on his headphones and continued unaffected. It wasn’t until the show had ended and he had time to process that his world fell apart. Sometimes you just have to ride the situation and gauge the emotion before stepping in.

Some mental concerns such as a depression and anxiety may have started without any trauma and the employee may not even know why they are suffering. Personality clashes, difference of opinion, passive bullying or simply worrying about the workload can all contribute to depression and anxiety. Everyone expects to have busier days or stressful situations at work, but when an employee is going home and mentally dissecting the day or is unable to sleep because of worries for the following day, then action needs to be taken.

Arguably, line managers have better things to do than worry themselves about the state of their staff – how ironic, but taking a little time each day to check that everyone is okay and promoting an open-door policy is a good start. Having a mental health first-aider is another positive step providing they don’t get drawn in to being a full-time counsellor – which they will not be trained to be. Also, it is important to remember that giving advice may not be helpful. Phrases such as ‘in my opinion’ or ‘if I were you’ can be taken negatively, particularly if the engagement is between two people who don’t normally get on. Being non-judgemental can be hard, especially if the facts are unclear. As an employer you have a duty of care to the employee and if they feel you are siding up they may feel bullied – and that opens up a totally different pot!

If there has been a serious incident in the workplace, or if the staff are struggling because of external influences, engaging with a counsellor is a positive step forward. This allows staff to off-load in a safe environment to someone who is trained to deal with sensitive or emotional issues. Be mindful, once an employee connects with a counsellor ethical boundaries apply. Whilst a counsellor may de-brief, confidentiality must not be broken as this will undermine the counsellor / client relationship – don’t expect to know what has been said during a counselling session.

Before re-training to become therapists, I spent over 20 years working within the event and broadcast industries, Louise worked 15 years in retail. This experience makes us better counsellors in the workplace – we understand the the needs of employer and employee. Businesses of all sizes use Active Listening Therapies to provide short and medium term counselling support, whether located within the business or off-site at the Newark or Nottingham clinic.

The reality is, as an employer, there are easy routes to accessing mental and emotional support for your staff. Thinking that it is solely the responsibility of the employee is not only narrow-minded, it is potentially dangerous.

Moving house can be one of the most stressful life events anyone can go through – in-fact, two thirds of people voted a house move as top of their stress list, suggesting it causes greater anxiety than the break-down of a relationship, or the pressure of starting a new job.

Moving house – whilst also exciting – forces change; a transition in life which closes one door, to then open another. Placing your confidence in people you have never met to load, transport and unload your personal belongings is a real leap of faith.

It’s not just the physical action of moving house; there are new dentists and doctors to consider, schools and transport timetables to figure out and the long wait of phone calls to change over the utility bills. As territorial creatures, when the comfort of routine and familiarity are disrupted, chaos and uncertainty can take over.

Coming to counselling is similar in many ways. The lead up to finding the confidence to talk to a counsellor is often filled with anxiety and concern. You place your trust in someone who you barely know to move and pack away the clutter and emotion in your head, to then work with you to unpack it and put it away in a more orderly fashion.

By talking to a counsellor you are causing disruption, but let’s not forget disruption can be positive. Once you have had the first session, you know what the counsellor looks like, you are comfortable with the room and you have smashed the route to and from the location, the work of settling in can begin.

The worries and emotional concerns are much the same as your pictures and cushions, they have to be cleaned and refreshed from time-to-time. The clutter and rubbish you no longer need have no place in a tidy mind and, that is where a close relationship with your counsellor will pay off. Your counsellor will move you from a place where you – and the associated negativity was, to a new place which is more inviting and allows a fresh start – without the rubbish you no longer need.

Counselling is not just about dealing with difficult or challenging thoughts, memories and emotions, it’s about re-working the good stuff. Imagine that you lived in a house which was severely flood damaged; you’ll feel angry and upset that your belongings have been impaired. Moving out is a good start but taking your damaged furniture in to a new home will only cause more problems – you’ll not be able to settle in or move on. In a therapeutic context, your counsellor will repair and refresh the furniture you love, so when it is time to arrange your home in your head, everything is positive and clean.

So what about the changes in routine? Your counsellor will help with that too. The worries of how your day-to-life works now you have a new ‘home’ are easily sorted; these will include disrupting old habits and viewing your life from the new perspective you have available to you.

Clearing your head, or moving house – what ever you want call it may be a journey that is stressful at times. You can be assured, once you are settled you’ll be better equipped to relax, re-format and move forward knowing that you are in a good place.

As if growing up isn’t confusing enough, this year has caused a huge ripple in the dynamic of young peoples lives. Normality – something young people rely on – has been screwed up and thrown in the bin and this has impacted on friendship groups, family balance and education. To cover the demand, we now provide in-school counselling at three independent secondary schools in the region.

Aside from their experiences of this year, there is a lot of insight to suggest mental health in young people is getting worse; suicide rates for teenagers increased by 107% in London last year alone, which is why intervention in schools is a positive thing. Teachers are being equipped with better insight into spotting and referring a mental health issue, indeed schools are even empowering young peer mentors to observe and be available – young person to young person.

Despite all of this, teenagers particularly are embarrassed to discuss their mental health concerns. Currently – taking in to account national statistics – the demands of school and exam pressure is the highest concern for young people, followed by coping with stress and body image. From the young people we work with, friendship groups and anxiety of what is in the near future, are high presenting issues.

To add to this – and often unknown to the school, are the number of young people who are providing primary care for adults or other children. Some are dealing with the loss of a significant adult, or the disability within the home, with some facing alcohol and drug abuse or prostitution – adult circumstances which can haunt a child well into their adult life.

Given the fragility of current senior school pupils, the importance of close observation in the classroom must not be over looked; any insight from a teacher – however insignificant they feel it may be – can be a real help when a referral is made to a counsellor.

Aside from the risks already discussed, less obvious changes in circumstance can also have long-lasting affects on a child. Moving house or school, the arrival of a sibling, or witnessing an accident can all play on the minds of young people, such thoughts can escalate and become much darker as they grow up. Transition from child to adult is hard enough without the burden of negative, jealous or negative feelings on a daily basis.

Accountability is a good area for consideration at this point. There is a progressive theme within 11 to 18 year olds of not going to bed until the early hours of the morning, largely due to gaming or the need to remain ‘connected’. This develops in to unhappy sleep, a lack of enthusiasm for the day and an unwillingness to connect with others. As counsellors we look for contradictions and when young people come to us with problems around friendship groups, the issues can often be traced to gaming issues or perceived aggression on social media platforms. In these circumstances we’ll work through accountability of self awareness, importance of boundaries and how to deal with conflict. While this can be successful with older teens, the question remains: at what point does a parent take responsibility for their child’s actions?

Hopefully, when a child is referred to a counsellor, whether that be in-house or an external resource, the application of positive regard and a non-judgemental approach will be the catalyst for positive change. The duration of need may differ from young person to young person but applying safe, secure and familiar intervention will stay within, possibly changing how they view adult life and ultimately how they deal with their own children.

Let’s take a moment to consider Sigmund Freud, the so-called father of psychotherapy. A quick image scan on Google provides many images – most of which are similar; a stoic man, wearing a three-piece suit, with a pocket watch and a cigar.

Following a first counselling session with a client, I always ask the same question: Am I different to how you expected me to be? The answer – in most cases – is: Yes, I thought you’d be wearing a suit. Do people expect their counsellor to be more Sigmund, and is it a relief when they are not?

There are many other names that have influenced the world of psychotherapy, but Mr. Freud is the one who – more often than not – springs to mind. And for men particularly, if they are not expecting me to be a cigar smoking, suited therapist, they expected me to be a free-loving, sandal wearing hippy. None of which come close!

I can understand why people have skewed ideas as to what ‘therapy’ is. It is only recently, that people have begun to accept that mental health is a real thing and it’s okay to speak out about it.

Statistically 60% of men say they would discuss their mental health, but only with their partner; that is a great start but why is there a reticence to hold back on talking to a professional? Can you imagine breaking an arm and only telling your partner?

Let’s blast some the reasons why men particularly, don’t want to discuss their mental health:

1 – I’m too embarrassed I totally get this. If you have been brought up to think mental health isn’t a thing and men don’t suffer with emotional issues, then it will be embarrassing to consider help.

Let me tell you, I have seen some of the toughest, biggest, hardest men you could possibly meet, cry during their first counselling session.

When I am working with men who let their emotions go, all of them say afterwards how good it felt to be free of whatever they were holding in.

2 – I don’t wish to burden anyone. So how far do you go with that broken arm? Does it need to be hanging off before you’ll get it checked out?

Going to see a counsellor is as much of a burden as taking yourself to a walk-in clinic to have your arm put in plaster.

Whether you are referred to an NHS service, a charity specialising in a particular area of support, or choose a private practice, you’ll be seen by a counsellor who will listen.

You don’t burden a bus driver, a bank clerk, a fire fighter, a barber… you are not a burden; you just need the services of someone who is trained to facilitate your needs.

3 – There is a stigma regarding about talking about mental health.

There certainly was a stigma, particularly with older generations. In WWII, airmen who were exhausted, anxious and plagued with depressing thoughts were tagged with the label lacking in moral fibre.

Employers after the war refused to take on anyone with such ‘degrading’ credentials, so it’s easy to see why no one wanted to open up. And this fear and caution toward mental health has been passed down from generation to generation.

We have the Royals’ to thank for change – Princes William and Harry have been open about sharing their experiences both in conflict and at home.

Whilst this doesn’t help anyone who is concerned about how their friends and family may view them if they reach out for help, I offer this assurance: No one but you and your counsellor need know about your sessions or issues raised within, they will be private and confidential.

4 – I don’t want to admit a weakness. It’s okay to feel unsure about yourself. The contradiction in life is that people will view you differently to how you view yourself.

When a child looks up to an adult, they do so in awe. They don’t see the cracks, they see pioneers and influencers.

When an adult looks toward an adult, they more often than not see another person surviving in an uncertain world.

Doubt is an internal feeling; no one can see or touch it, yet it still impacts on how we present ourselves and operate in the environment we live and work in.

Counselling will help you to change your perspective – your frame of reference, so you no longer identify as weak, but as experienced with positive growth ahead.

5 – I’ve learnt to deal with it.

Brilliant, that shows resilience – and that’s a good thing. The mind can play funny games though; have you dealt with it, or are you in denial?

You may go for years thinking you have overcome something you felt very deeply about, only to find the door to that part of your mind has suddenly been unlocked again.

That’s no weakness, just a reaction in the here and now. Talking about it again will help you review your perspective, so you can accept it in a way which satisfies you.

Now we know what is holding people back, let’s focus on the perception of what counselling is – or isn’t. The word itself is far from clear; the term therapy and counselling are one of the same – a little like actor and performer.

In this case, the provision of professional assistance focusing on psychological issues.

Unlike what the dictionary may say, a counsellor does not give advice – nor has an agenda, or directional control of the relationship. Your counsellor will have every confidence in you to dig deep and share your fears and concerns, so that with positive support and reflective discussion you’ll find your light-bulb moment. This will help you realise new thoughts, ideas and actions.

Whilst this might sound passive, a counsellor will be focusing on what is being said – or not said, and concentrating on implied meanings and body language – subtle junctures allowing for deeper discussion.

Imagine your brain as a suitcase; your counsellor will help you take everything out and sort what isn’t needed, then work with you to neatly pack your clothes back so you have more space for more things.

A counselling session is completely, 100 percent, unequivocally confidential.

Do your homework to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with, so that during a session you can off-load with confidence – and be assured that whatever you say will remain in the room.

You’ll not know how comfortable you’ll be until you speak to a counsellor, so pick up the phone and have a chat before you commit.

Finding the confidence in you to overcome your own objections and make that call, will be the hardest part of your therapeutic journey. Once you’ve nailed that, give yourself some positive regard and move forward with an open mind.

Counselling is a deeply private notion. There is no need to tell the world – unless you want to of course. You’ll be able to release the negative issues in your life, whilst also concentrating on how to move yourself forward… it’s empowering stuff.

The world has changed – and attitudes change too. Don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself and see how people react when they notice a change in you.

And for a final note. You don’t have to worry about laying on a couch… you’ll sit on a chair, in a comfortable office with someone who just maybe, has been through a mental health issue themself.

If I were to ask you to listen to two people in the street talking, apart from disregarding the ambient background noise, it should be easy to take in what is being said. It becomes a little more difficult if one person is talking through a megaphone; you will more than likely take in the louder voice than the quieter one. This is a simple example of your brain picking out the dominant information feed.

When we are not in the best state of mind, it is easier to recognise negative thoughts than positive ones; you become consumed by notions which add no value to your life, and which often lead to disappointment or failure. January is a good month – or rather a bad month where these kinds of thoughts take over. Resolutions to change – while good natured – become a burden a few weeks in, particularly where food, drink and diet are involved. Rather than considering positive achievement, it is so much easier to fixate on a small mistake – which can knock your confidence and self-worth and ultimately convince you that there is little reason in continuing.

During the first lockdown, the weather was more appealing that it has been this time around. For most – at the very least – we could sit in the garden and take in the sunshine; January offers no such appeal. With the dark and cold days set for at least another month, you could be forgiven in thinking the worst is yet to come. The truth, or rather the fact is, no one knows what is going to happen but that doesn’t mean we have to accept our negative thoughts.

By continuing to think in this way you are filling your mind with information, which is not only unhelpful, but also encourages the validity of other people’s negativity. Worse still, if someone suggests anything doubtful, or says anything upsetting toward you, you are more than likely going to believe it. Which is why breaking the negative cycle should be a priority.

Of course, we cannot be happy and positive all the time. Life throws some cruel issues to deal with but having a more positive outlook allows us to deal with these challenges in a more balanced way. There are two immediate changes which can be addressed. The first is to challenge what you hear, the second is to identify the negativity which other people project on you.

Working on what we hear first; there are two elements to this. The first being what you transmit, the second being what you receive. By transmit, I mean identifying the thoughts which you generate yourself, these are thoughts which only belong to you – no one else has created them. By contrast, what you receive are external influences such as what other people say, environmental factors such as where you are and who you are with and finally information channels such as the news or social media feeds.

You have the capacity to grade these thoughts and if they are overtly negative then your mindset and outlook will follow suit. You can however choose to apply a filter or look for the positive in the situation. Take the resolution to change as an example; rather than focussing on the small mistake, focus on how the change can be of benefit in the long term.

Your brain has a spam folder, you just haven’t set it up yet. How would you feel if I said all the negative comments people have projected on you in the past can be deleted and everything from today can be filed as spam? This isn’t a shallow notion; it can be reality. When people say negative comments, it isn’t nice – but we have a choice. You can choose to act upon it – which, is positive, or you can disregard it. Keeping the thought at the forefront of your brain only eats away at your self-worth.

By filtering out which thoughts and notions are not beneficial to you, you are re-mapping your brain to concentrate – not on the loudest source, but the most positive source. This will help you to manage a more positive ethos and a more positive day ahead – guaranteed.

We live in an age where it has never been easier to connect with our friends, relatives and colleagues. Technology allows us not only a good quality voice call, but also video calls to almost anywhere in the world. It is hard to imagine that even a generation ago, to make a call – for many – meant a walk to the end of the street, to use a telephone which was open to the elements and offered little privacy. For those fortunate enough to have a telephone at home, the rule – most probably – was no calls until after 6pm; the time at which call charges were reduced. With so much technology available today, it is sad if not concerning, that many people are currently feeling disconnected from others.

I have noticed a trend with the discussions I am having, particularly with young people who are feeling more isolated than ever. It may seem that our children are on the phone all the time, but the reality is they are struggling to have meaningful and fulfilling conversations. This is leading to feelings of isolation and numbness. Working through the reasoning behind this, young people are saying they no longer have anything to discuss as everyday feels the same and there is nothing new or exciting to share. Essentially, there appears to be a lack of stimulation. I am sure it is not just young people who are struggling.

As adults, we are consumed with making the best out of a difficult time and life can feel like a perpetual schedule albeit with little difference. Indeed, we are living, working and surviving in homes which have been turned into multi-purpose environments. We miss out on the daily commute, the coffee breaks, the incidental trips out and the working lunches – all which, allow for conversation.

There is a conflict, in which it feels like there is little reason to pick up the phone as our social life has been put on hold; there is limit to how many times we can have same conversation about the weather, Covid, when the children will go back to school. Yet, there has never been a more important time to stay in touch.

The facts speak for themselves. In a survey which took place in December, almost 25% of adults said they were experiencing feelings of loneliness. This number vastly increased in young people, people who were out of work, full-time students and single parents. For people who have relied on technology to communicate for work or education in the last twelve months there is a feeling of exhaustion which has been labelled ‘Zoom Fatigue’, so it is easy to see why making a social telephone call may not have the same appeal as it did a year ago.

I do believe habits are changing due to the hybrid nature of how we currently live and work and this effects how we communicate. More than likely, the family eating area will have been taken over as a makeshift workspace. A consequence of this is, at the end of the day there is no communal area to gather in, so we are eating as individuals rather than as a family. Because of this we are not having meaningful discussion, off-loading to each other, or talking about how we feel. This is a lack of stimulation, so if we are not in the habit of talking to those closest to us, we are in danger of not wanting to talk to anyone else.

We can make a positive difference. This year, I predict a change in trend as to how we communicate; we may have reached the peak in how we use the telephone. I dare say that most people under the age of 25 will not have experienced the pleasure of receiving a card, note or gift through the post. Perhaps it is time to re-evaluate our relationship with the telephone and indeed the importance we place on it as a tool for positive social communication. A letter, or a card with meaningful words and sentiment has much greater value than a digital message or lacklustre telephone call.

If you would like to discuss better ways to communicate, or would like to explore how to be more satisfied – and less anxious in the current climate, a discussion with me may just be the start of a new way of thinking.

There is a reason why – on the airline safety laminate – it tells you, that in an emergency you must put your oxygen mask on before helping children. It may sound unethical to sort yourself out first, but if you are overcome with smoke and unable to help anyone else, the situation becomes much worse.

In our journey to becoming caring adults, we are largely taught to put other’s before ourselves – and that’s a good thing; it encourages us to think about the well-being of people around us – and if everyone did that, the world would undoubtedly be a better place. However, for those who wear their heart on their sleeve, this can become a draining experience.

In emotional and mental health terms, people with high levels of empathy will always be there for people close to them who need support, but these care givers are the people who are easily drained when stress reaches them – and that stands to reason; if you are drained of the good stuff, your ability to bounce back from difficult mental and emotional situations can be severely compromised.

Self-care – managing yourself – helps mitigate internal issues from getting worse. This comes with being aware of your own limitations, energy levels and feelings. People who put others ahead of their own needs often fall into a pit of low confidence and again, this is because their focus is aimed outward rather than inward. For such people, asking for help can conflict against their own values. Which is why it is important to keep an eye on the people who look after you…

Keeping a mood diary is a great idea; this allows you to track the balance between good and bad days, moods changes, or when difficult situations are overcome. There are some great apps which help to keep track of such information – it is a really interesting exercise to look back and see whether the feelings and emotions of the day correlate after time, thought and reflection.

Relaxation and self-time are words which are not common to people who are always on hand to sort other-peoples issues. When I have this conversation with clients, the notion of dedicated time is often an alien thought or dismissed completely. I am always surprised at how little time people commit to themselves. Clients come to therapy because they have lost balance; I see people when they are suffering with a lack of confidence, exhaustion and frustration, which is why you-time should not be something to be ashamed of.

Technology doesn’t help either; being there for other people is great, until the phone never stops ringing. When the phone is non-stop, simple areas of self need such as food and sleep are often compromised; so is it any wonder that people who wear their heart on their sleeve get exhausted and run down in no time?

You-time is a topic which is often approached early on in a therapeutic relationship. Together we’ll work toward better self worth, positive time management and self-care. Re-assessing and re-building structure puts you in a better position to continue offering your support to family, friends and colleagues, without draining your own resources.

Putting yourself first is far from being selfish. People rely on your empathy, support and good will more than you probably realise.

To discuss any part of this blog, how I can help you, or your mental and emotional concerns, feel free to email or call me for a private and confidential conversation: